It’s 2:19AM.
I’m still awake, I can’t sleep. I’ve opened and closed numerous windows on my computer screen and have no legitimate reason for it besides the fact that I’m half-cocked. I want to eat salsa (the homemade kind, not the crap they sell in stores), but I’m not hungry, and I’m thinking of making it tomorrow, but I can’t remember the exact ingredients and Allmyrecipes.com (?) has been no more helpful than my right knee, which FYI has a Spongebob band-aid on it because I’m too careless to not hit myself with wooden cutting boards. What else? I haven’t showed up to my volunteer gig in two (?) weeks, gone without a trace and nothing to remember me by besides the fact that I went AWOL. My last GED class wrapped up this past Thursday and as usual, I was MIA. I have to register for the test next week but I’m not sure if I’m willing to fork over $75 with a 75% chance of failure. The odds just don’t even out enough for me you know? And I’m unemployed, so penny pinching is a fact not an option. I have two appointments next week involving two psychiatrists: one who if sparks fly, will be my regular go-to gal, while the other, I will be meeting for about a two hour test to see if I am as they say, “disabled.” I’m beginning to hate that word. It feels like a weakling’s way of taking the easy way out you know? But how else am I supposed to explain what the fuck is going on with me, when I don’t even know? Or rather I know, but I’m so far down the rabbit hole, I can barely feel my physical bits let alone my mentality. All I seem to be doing lately is complaining? I feel like a dog: all bark, no bite. Or am I using the wrong idiom here? Oh, and I want Green Tea ice cream, the kind from Dave’s Ice Cream, which I’d be more than happy to get if gas prices were not insanely high. I’m more or less fucked, but if everything churns out, I’ll get me some happy pills and right myself at an angle where I can live life without ever having to actually hate it. Too good to be true? It is. I’m pessimistically optimistic (maybe).
