September 2011
2 posts
My box is currently in Coffeyville. . .
(I didn’t know there was such a place.)
I continue asking myself why I’m so infuriated, as if I don’t already know the answer. But it’s because I know the answer that fuels the anger inside me even more. Then I play the Blame Game, Pops is to blame because of his lack of responsibility, Mom is to blame because she chose her abusive ex-husband over her kids, God is to blame because he forsook us long before we forsook...
August 2011
1 post
New computers sure are confusing...
Then again, I have been living under a rock for quite some time. Back from the dead? Not quite.
July 2011
3 posts
New Student Registration Session: Who's excited?
Not me that’s for sure, but as it’s mandatory and can affect my being able to attend the college, my ass needs to be there whether I like it or not. Fortunately the counselors will be there too, so I can ask questions about my major and how I can effectively complete all the core classes and achieve credits so that should I transfer, I can focus solely on the major itself rather than...
At this point and time in my life, I feel it best...
Because the community college brochures are redundant, the steps have no relevance to one another and follow in such a ridiculous fashion, and I am turning into Godzilla (I’m beginning to think that rather than being a people hater he was dealing with anxiety…or his period). The placement tests are bothering me too since it seems that even the 100 levels need prerequisites of other low...
I tested positive for TB.
I thought to myself, “Who in the world couldn’t have the decency to keep their germs to them-fucking-selves?” At first I figured I might have been exposed on the public transit, but then I realized I hadn’t had a TB test since I came back from China in ‘06. Regardless, I should count my blessings that though I tested positive for TB, I no longer have to take the TB...
June 2011
12 posts
It's as if I've tired of expressing my thoughts...
All I want to do is read. It’s exhausting lately to have to engage in conversation with others, not because I think I am better in any way, but almost because I no longer have the capacity to hold myself together in what is deemed to be a presentable manner. Reading is much easier; everything happens with or without my comprehension skills. But I suppose the same thing could be said about...
This new Tumblr IQ spam/virus leaves me unsettled.
And there’s no way I’m checking followers’ pages what with the Flapjack/Adventure Time fiasco a month or so back.
“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m...”
– from “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”, by Jonathan Safran Foer (via tobeshelved)
I could be happy. I could. So why aren't I?
Grams is kicking up a storm at the care home she is currently residing in and is about to have her ass hauled onto the sidewalk if she doesn’t quit at it any time soon. It worries me to think about what will happen should that occur, because it is not likely she will be welcomed again into another care home. Staying with my mother and I is not an option; she’d drive us to an early grave. Her...
Father’s Day is this Sunday, and seeing as I no longer have a father of my own, it’s a celebration I won’t be partaking in. I did think about going over to the cemetery to bring some flowers, but I don’t think I’m up for it. I feel contrite just writing out the words, but even if I did go, I don’t think I’d be going with an honest heart. It’s weird; I mean it’s been what, eleven months? The first...
Sometimes I don’t think people realize just how...
I can’t remember if my mother was always like this, or if her anger has become exacerbated from menopause or life circumstances, perhaps a combination of both. But lately, it feels like we’ve both reached our limit and are only centimeters away from knocking the shit out of each other. I know that if I really hated it, I could move out. It is her apartment I am living in rent-free, her paycheck I...
I've been trying to figure out the easiest way to...
So far, I have been unsuccessful.
I've unconsciously associated classical music with...
The waiting room is always a combination of white walls, repulsive carpeting, classical music that always seems to know how you’re feeling and plays accordingly, potted plants (real and fake), and paintings or art pieces which are abstract in the simplist ways in bright primary colors or pale pastels (I never stare at these long enough because I feel they are meant to trick people, like...
During my first (and unknowingly last) school trip as a high schooler, I became close with an upperclassmen who happened to be an older sibling of a classmate of mine. We didn’t necessarily not know each other, our school, from pre-school to twelfth grade consisted of a total of 130 kids, less than half of that belonging to the high school division, but the conditions we were dealing with in...
May 2011
9 posts
“What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how...”
– Gabriel García Márquez (via kari-shma)
Sometimes taking two steps backwards is necessary...
My mind’s been preoccupied with thoughts of the past. Part of it, is due to my slowly re-emerging from another low, and the other is a combination of both Father’s Day and the one year anniversary of my father’s death right around the corner. As obviously seen with my last post, there is a lot of emotion that arises whenever I reopen the section of my mind labeled “do not touch.” And the only...
Bitch, why you so mad?
The nerve of some people, honestly. But atleast I finally turned in my college application and am hastily filling out my FAFSA forms. Has anyone ever been rejected by a community college? I hope I’m not the first…here’s hopin’.
“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at...”
– Tom Gates (via kari-shma)
I’m not above being human. But when I bleed, I...
I haven’t talked to my paternal family since my father’s funeral, and even then, we didn’t really talk so much as act out cordialities because everyone was under strict orders by both my half-brother and one of my aunts that I was not to be talked to (this was due to my having contacted a lawyer after my half-brother forced me out of the apartment my father and I shared, and took everything my...
I dislike when applications/forms/important...
It makes me want to scribble N/A on every question.
I finally headed down to McKinley to pick up my diploma at the office. I’m not going to lie, it was anxiety inducing on so many levels. Especially when the woman helping me had a difficult time finding me in their system (which we later found out was because I took the actual test at Farrington which warrants me a different kind of school code). But once I opened up the package, I...
I don't have that many things. But I've come to...
I forgot how exhausting moving can be, especially when you have to pull all-nighters to make sure everything is packed up and what not.
My brain is not as young as it used to be, why...
Today’s Sunday. The only reason why I know it’s Sunday, is because the always active church behind my building has been going at it since about seven or eight this morning. Not that I’m complaining, since there are actually three churches in proximity to my place, and having only one enthusiastic congregation weekly, with the occasional wedding at the cathedral replica and once in a blue moon...
April 2011
7 posts
Whoever created page sixteen of Variety Word-Find...
Numbers were not part of the agreement.
(P.S. I guess I didn’t really put any thought into the “variety” in Variety Word-Find Collection Volume 101…still, I stand by my thoughts that this particular issue is a bastard.)
Sweltering melancholy mornings.
I met with my new psychologist last Wednesday for the first time and after about an hour of a semi-introduction to previous diagnoses and past history, she made the comment that I might have Cyclothymia, which is a less severe form of bipolar disorder. I don’t exactly know how I feel about it, or if she will further probe the inner psyches of my mind (does that make sense?) to make a finalized...
Whether a person is born on your land or on...
“Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”
– Emo Phillips
It's 2:19AM.
I’m still awake, I can’t sleep. I’ve opened and closed numerous windows on my computer screen and have no legitimate reason for it besides the fact that I’m half-cocked. I want to eat salsa (the homemade kind, not the crap they sell in stores), but I’m not hungry, and I’m thinking of making it tomorrow, but I can’t remember the exact ingredients and...
I Am The Crime: spam user/virus alert on tumblr →
READ (IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY) AND KEEP YOURSELVES PROTECTED!
abgron:fuckyeahdarrencriss:lovelyfix:
Yesterday afternoon I was sent a weird question from inthelandof-finn (DON’T go to their page); when I went to their page to try to figure out who they were I got a virus from an advertisement on the blog. I just wanted to warn anyone who…
How many carrots does it take to get...
Apparently, more than I thought. I’ve eaten about half a pound and I’m still not anywhere near Oompa Loompa status. Then again, I should be grateful. It would be very awkward to have to explain to your new psychologist how you evolved from yellow to orange.
March 2011
7 posts
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as...”
– Elizabeth Wurtzel (via poetrayne)
If only I were better off dead.
Two months and counting; it seems like decades since my life has seen any sort of light shine through. Yet the world outside the four walls that encase me in refuge continues moving, never stopping, even if just for a minute. It’s odd, but something I’ve become accustomed to over the years whenever I go through periods of reclusiveness. It almost feels as if I’m not a real person, but a lone...
Last night was one of those nights where I didn't...
Perhaps because I was satiated with Chinese food. Or that the restaraunt hadn’t changed since I was a child, even the cutlery, the plates, and the interior; everything. But it was a real surprise when the owner recalled my mother and I, as well as my brother, since it’s been well over a decade since we last ate there (the only exception being my brother who visited before he joined the...
“Every once in a while, amidst our petty wars and squabbles with each other,...”
– Juan Cole | Earthquake/Tsunami reminds us of Futility of War (via ericmortensen)
Translated tweets from... →
grayskymorning:
commanderspock | tunaynareddragon
“It’s so dark, the stars have never been so beautiful. Sendai, look up.” (in reference to the Sukiyaki song) ”Disneyland was giving out snacks from the shops. Some high school girls were taking a whole bunch, and I thought ‘wtf’, but then I saw them giving them out to kids at the shelters. Parents can’t move around right now, so I’m both...
Hello, my name is Anxiety, and I shall be...
I want to kill myself, in a non-suicidal way. Not sure if it’s possible to want to eradicate yourself and not be the least bit destructive, but that’s how I feel. About two and a half weeks ago, my anxiety spiked up to record-breaking heights while I was sitting in one of my GED classes. Instead of being able to comfortably complete my practice tests and essay on my own table, I was sandwiched...
I went to visit my father on Tuesday, had he still...
To say it was an awkward affair would be putting it lightly. I just stared, unfocused, at the grave, as if I were able to penetrate the earth and into his decayed coffin and once live corpse. I didn’t speak to him, didn’t even utter a ‘Happy Birthday Pops,’ it was much too personal. So I placed the orchids I’d bought in one of his flower holders, rearranging them around the other flowers...
February 2011
6 posts
When shit hits the fan, sometimes the fan hits you...
Last Friday, my computer became infected with a faux antivirus program. So naturally, I took it in to get it fixed. I think I vaguely mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I used to write blog posts for a computer company, if not, there you go. Although too short-lived to really be considered a “job experience,” I managed to churn out a few articles, gained tech-savvy knowledge, and parted on...
Recovering memories from six feet under.
In all of my twenty years, not once have I ever seen my mother near alcohol. Whether it was parties, holidays, or any other celebratory events, she’s always politely declined. Which is why I was more than a little surprised (and worried shitless) when she decided to buy herself some white wine the other night and get herself piss drunk. At first she was fine, taking a few test sips here and there...
“We are unutterably alone essentially, especially in the things most intimate and...”
– Rainer Maria Rilke (via belljarred)
It's one of those mornings where instead of asking...
“Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.”
– Murakami (via piratekitten) (via delacroix) (via spiritguide)
When your day goes from bad, to worse, to absolute...
Yesterday was a bad day. I know, I know, everyone is entitled or bound to run into one every once in a blue moon, but seriously, it was bad. I kept trying to think it was going to get better, but by the time I got home, I was about ready to 911 the Reaper. It all started in the morning when I missed my first morning bus by like a second (opted to run after it too and would have made it had the...
January 2011
12 posts
Drink Naked with caution.
I am in love with Naked (the juice), never mind the pain that ensued an hour after consuming Blue Machine which I am now blaming on my then empty stomach or the fact that they’re five bucks a bottle. Good stuff, but for anyone who’s looking to try the brand and happen to have a sensitive tum-tum like I do, I advise to drink with caution (or at least, consume something substantial beforehand...
Why do all the douchebags hang around convenience...
Note to self: park as close as automobile possible to intended destination to avoid the walk of awkwardness to car about one parking space away from the douche committee.
I have officially lost my goddamned mind: extended...
Wednesday, January 19
Found out I couldn’t take GED classes while still attending school
I had to either sign out or forget about classes
GED Orientation @ FHS
Registered (although I did not realize I registered) for night classes
Took two tests: one to determine grade level reading, and one to determine which GED class/group I’ll be in
Fairly enlightening, although initially...