My box is currently in Coffeyville…
(I didn’t know there was such a place.)
I continue asking myself why I’m so infuriated, as if I don’t already know the answer. But it’s because I know the answer that fuels the anger inside me even more. Then I play the Blame Game, Pops is to blame because of his lack of responsibility, Mom is to blame because she chose her abusive ex-husband over her kids, God is to blame because he forsook us long before we forsook him. Then I give up, because no one’s to blame but myself. I know it’s pride, but what’s wrong with wanting to be treated as an equal-righted human fucking being? Isn’t that the least I can have? Or has falling to the lowest of low taken away that right too?
I’ll tell you one thing though, if I die here, I won’t be dying on their terms.
New computers sure are confusing…
Then again, I have been living under a rock for quite some time. Back from the dead? Not quite.
New Student Registration Session: Who’s excited?
Not me that’s for sure, but as it’s mandatory and can affect my being able to attend the college, my ass needs to be there whether I like it or not. Fortunately the counselors will be there too, so I can ask questions about my major and how I can effectively complete all the core classes and achieve credits so that should I transfer, I can focus solely on the major itself rather than all the other crap. I also have to ask about distance learning since so far in my academic career, I have not fared well with attendance due to my anxiety. I’m being pessimistically optimistic at this point though. The session is about two to three hours long and should something happen, I can always run my ass home since I’m only a couple blocks away or run straight into the Costco across from the campus and start a riot. Something like that.
At this point and time in my life, I feel it best to just “wing it.”
Because the community college brochures are redundant, the steps have no relevance to one another and follow in such a ridiculous fashion, and I am turning into Godzilla (I’m beginning to think that rather than being a people hater he was dealing with anxiety…or his period). The placement tests are bothering me too since it seems that even the 100 levels need prerequisites of other low level classes which means it’ll take me atleast a semester or two until I actually get credit for my work. I don’t understand it, and I demand a retake but will have to wait ‘till damned December to roll around for me to do so. Also, everyone thinks I’m a foreigner when I’ve been born and raised in Hawaii for the last twenty years of my life. I’m beginning to think it’s because I haven’t had a tan since middle school. Number one on list of things to do before college begins besides bothering the public library workers this summer: tan. Well, burn, then tan, since I’m beginning to look a bit albino and I can never just ‘tan.’
I tested positive for TB.
I thought to myself, “Who in the world couldn’t have the decency to keep their germs to them-fucking-selves?” At first I figured I might have been exposed on the public transit, but then I realized I hadn’t had a TB test since I came back from China in ‘06. Regardless, I should count my blessings that though I tested positive for TB, I no longer have to take the TB test (I dislike needles) and I have latent TB as opposed to active, which would have most likely hindered me from attending college. In the mean time I have to take medication accompanied with a B6 tablet which I have been failing miserably at for the past day or so, but I figure it’s only for nine months. Of course, the cons is that I could develop Hepatitis, jaundice, and a bunch of other conditions that aren’t so great. You lose some, you win some.
Speaking of college, I also took my placement test. It was the pits. I made the mistake of assuming because it was the last day that there would hardly be any students at the testing center, turns out, every one was as much of a procrastinator as I was. So the more kids, the more anxiety. I couldn’t do it, so midway through the writing part of the test, I freaked out and started answering randomly, and the math, I didn’t even bother. The good thing, is that I can always retake the placement after each semester, so if I placed in a class that is going a bit too slow for my liking, I’ll take the tests again in December or January. The math I’m not too worried about though, considering I didn’t really learn much in high school before taking the GED. I figure I can use the time to learn thoroughly what I missed out during that time.
It’s as if I’ve tired of expressing my thoughts through speech or written words.
All I want to do is read. It’s exhausting lately to have to engage in conversation with others, not because I think I am better in any way, but almost because I no longer have the capacity to hold myself together in what is deemed to be a presentable manner. Reading is much easier; everything happens with or without my comprehension skills. But I suppose the same thing could be said about communication.
This new Tumblr IQ spam/virus leaves me unsettled.
And there’s no way I’m checking followers’ pages what with the Flapjack/Adventure Time fiasco a month or so back.
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living"
— from “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close”, by Jonathan Safran Foer (via tobeshelved)
(Source: zealotry, via tobeshelved)
